Come for the weekend!

I'm in heaven! Tess has invited me to come hang out with Jasi on the weekend!!!! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

I should jump on the bus and rush to Atlanta, but I refrain. In fact, although I'd so love to spend the weekend with Jasi, and Tess if she's up for it, I can't really go until Monday, after I clean the bathrooms.

I have already told the ranger that I need time off next weekend to go to the SOA protest, so I will just leave a couple days early.

I'm so excited, though remaining calm and centering myself, stretching to the sky, growing deep into the earth, just in case.

We had an election? Dream on...

I purposely went off line last nite early, without looking for any election results or predictions.

This morning when I got up, I did my morning thangs, writing, ending with my slow jog around the grounds, before allowing myself to wonder about the election results.

It is with much trepidation I grab my computer, head to the wi-fi area, and go to democracy now.

I didn’t vote for Obama – but I find myself suddenly so overjoyed with relief when I see that he won this election, contrary to my fears.

Then I’m ecstatic, Tammy Baldwin beat out that asshole she was running against, Elizabeth Warren has won, and the ‘if it’s a REAL rape’ asshole lost – that the goddesses.

Is it true womyn went from 17 to a whopping 19 in the Senate? That's 19 percent, in case the math is troubling. And none of them womyn of color. I believe there's only been one womyn of color in the hallowed Senate, Carol Moseley-Braun, who was decimated in the late 90's, yes?

And four states legalize gay marriage! Two states legalize marijuana - the feds will be busy in the coming years!

But fuckin A California, gmo labeling defeated??? How the hell did that happen? And the death penalty still standing? Grrrr

Anyway, as I feel relief, I also feel hopeless and anxious - for once again, we can all pretend that we've done our job, elected a Black man, a Democrat into office, so we're free to go about our daily quest for the amerika nitemare, and not care about the working to tumble the empire that Obama has sworn to uphold.

Not care about the Somalians who were killed by U.S. drone strikes last week, or all the other people from all the other countries being murdered in the name of U.S. empire.

Not care about the "good energy" Obama is promoting, i.e. nuclear and coal... let alone keystone XL, fracking, 90% of ocean life dead/gone, etc.etc.etc.

At least if wilt had been elected, it would have inspired so many to get out into the streets and protest. Now we can continue dreaming, as in the amerikan nitemare.

Solitaire and dreams

This is my 5^th day of not playing solitaire on the computer. I am going thru withdrawal. I used solitaire as those in intense physical pain use morphine to dull the anguish.

Computer games have been like tv for me in my life – something I abhor, detest, know harms me, my thought patterns, my perspectives – and everyone elses.

Also, my mom, who died way before personal computers were invented and marketed, called tv the “idiot box”, and sharply threatened us when we balked at reading or entertaining ourselves with “do you want to become like the old man sitting in a room by himself playing solitaire?”

She scorned solitaire and the people whose lives reduced them to singular games of solitaire. The sign of utter loneliness and a useless life, for sure.

But when my daughter dismissed me, as her support, as Jasi’s grandmother, the hurt was so deep, I spent hours (I’m sure, tho time was endless) daze, weeks playing solitaire – and feeling the strain on my eyes.

I’m blessed with a set of eyes that don’t need glasses to read! I have worn glasses since the 3^rd or so grade, for seeing the blackboard, seeing far away.

But as I aged, turned 50 and so did some of my friends, they marveled at how I can still read the small print on bottles, the 14K mark on jewelry, often testing me, demanding I read what they thrust into my face.

And to their great displeasure then morphing into surprised pride, I could read it every time. Now I’m 62 and still reading the small print, although needing more and more bright and brighter lite to accomplish this.

Also, what a distraction from life, focusing one’s brain cells on red diamonds and black clubs, passing time, precious time trying to outsmart the cards – while dulling the terrible heart aches.

I found myself drifting off to sleep placing the black three on the red four, remembering and redoing moves I’d missed earlier, changing the card faces to be the ones I needed.

I want to keep track of my dreams - what a luxury! And I don’t want to dream about cards.

I remember one dream, because I want to tell Liz. I dreamt I was on a bus and going to the back door to get off. An old, pale hand reached out and grabbed my sleeve with the strength of a vice, and I helped an old womon down the stairs.

It was Liz’s mother, and Liz was standing at the bottom of the stairs, outside the bus looking up at us, admonishing her mother, telling her she can do it herself.

At the last step, her mom let go of me – and I of her – and she slid down onto the ground, scraping her back on the iron steps.

The same nite I had this dream, I also dreamt of Jasi – I can’t remember that dream, but I tried to note it.

I had another dream of being somewhere with a couple of friends, I don’t know who, and we were asking directions of this white man. He told us & I understood, motioning for my friends to come on – we were in a rush.

They stood there and kept listening to him as he repeated the same directions over and over, asking questions, making him specify more exact directions.

I felt so irritated and tried to convince them, it’s easy, I’ve been here before, I know where it is, I know what I’m doing.

Finally, everyone got in the truck. I wasn’t driving for some reason, but I was navigating. It was just one right & then ahead, there was a circle. Construction was happening at the circle so traffic was being diverted.

We wanted to go to the circle, so we pulled into a side street to park. I told whoever was driving to stop, someone was coming out of a parking space ahead of us. She doesn’t stop but passes the car.

I’m irritated again, because we will miss the parking spot. I jump out and take over the wheel, backing up the truck swiftly before the on-coming car, who also wanted to park, positioned itself to be first.

We get the spot & I pull the truck in, mollified, we were able to park.

I wake up every two hours here it seems. I’m sure I’m asleep by 10, maybe earlier. Midnight I get up, pee, go back to sleep – forget to write down my dreams.

The next time I look at the clock it is 4am – I have gotten up twice more during the night, almost filling my pee bucket to the top! But forgetting to fill my paper with my dreams.

I read until 6am, when I go jogging.

This morning, I find it blissful to not know who the next president is, whether the death penalty has been outlawed, gmo labeling a go!

I will go now & see.